I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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