Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
