Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
