between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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