my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
