I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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