dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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