If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
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I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
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GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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