I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
