i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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