If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
