she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
