"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize