That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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