Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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