I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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