Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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