when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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