I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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