The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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