you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize
