Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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