Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
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So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
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Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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