Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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