she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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