I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
