Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
