I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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