mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
