I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
