Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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