He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
