the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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