Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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