you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She bit a glass in half.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
