I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
