I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
