first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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