do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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