I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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