i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Randomize
