Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
