you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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