I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
