I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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