Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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