I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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