I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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