I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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