I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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