true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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