If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
