I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he thought i was a dude.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
