Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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