He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
