It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Be still, my beating vagina.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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