New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
MIDGETS
????
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
