Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
