i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
