You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
