woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
