apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
