Cold hands, warm shart.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
