all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
