And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
