you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Come on in and take your pants off
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